While the coroners are taking their time releasing the actual reason for Whitney Houston’s demise, speculations throughout the web are going wild. And as these speculations grow, I can’t help but think of 3 things: the amazing contributions this woman made to music, the impact ridicule can have on someone and the importance of communication.

I grew up listening to Whitney; her voice could inspire, invigorate or soothe the soul…I can connect a number of life experiences to Whitney songs. However, right now what is really outstanding for me is how quickly the cruel jokes, intrusive pictures and ridicule of people turns to sorrow. As the saying goes, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. I can’t help but wonder the impact all this had on her. What happens when your entire life is under consistent scrutiny, when people are waiting for you to screw up and before mistakes can even be rectified they are turned in to the jokes of the day…how does one make it through these situations? This is why it becomes so important to communicate when feelings become overwhelming. These life challenges aren’t ones that we can manage alone. In recent days, a number of people have come to light as being a part of Whitney’s support system however it is clear that this was not enough. In counseling, one of the discoveries that I have made with most of my clients is that the secrets or concerns they possess are often times not communicated to their loved ones or to the people they even identify as being the most trusted in their lives. The reasons range from guilt and shame to denial and self-loathing. While we may know the demons that haunt us, the situation becomes ten times more frightening when we have to confront sharing it with confidantes. This is a phenomena that not only strikes people dealing with addiction, it’s something that very high functioning people deal with as well. Some of this could be attributed to the expectations attached to giving voice to the condition, affliction or experience. In other cases, people are so deep in a state of denial, they may not even know the depth and breadth of the problem to change it.

So, what can we take away from this awful tragedy? If you know someone living a similar life, you cannot help them alone. It’s absolutely imperative to get assistance from a professional. Understand that while your intentions to help are understood and in some cases appreciated, the person has to have a personal motivation to change and that change will not happen overnight sometimes even when they know the consequences. Ways that you can help include being honest with that person but not being abrasive, because that may simply push them away and prevent them from communicating with you; offer assistance but not try to take over their experience or their process for changing. You can’t make their life better, they have to do the work; establish boundaries for yourself by knowing when you are giving too much and it’s beginning to take a toll on you. When this happens, your efforts to help become counterproductive to everyone. Know when you need to give yourself a timeout and then do it.

Again, this is truly a tragedy, let’s not let it be in vain. Use it as an opportunity to learn, to help and to love.